by Brian J
How does a zebra cross the road? Uses a zebra crossing
by Elizabeth Moody
Seventy-year-old Henry went for his annual check-up. He told the doctor that he felt ok, but often had to go to the toilet during the night. Then he said: "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!" Later that day, Dr. Jones called Henry's wife and said: "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the toilet at night." Martha exclaimed: "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"
Why did the toilet roll roll down the hill? To get to the bottom!
How should you eat a Welshman’s cheese? Caerphilly!
There once was a fellow from Kent, Whose neck was remarkably bent. He’d no way of knowing The way he was going But always knew just where he’d went
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?” Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, someone has stolen our tent!"
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under one arm and says: ”Pint please - and one for the road.”
Great news ! Little Red Riding Hood is feeling a lot better ! . Though she is not out of the woods yet !
This is the British way , you think “tit”, you say “tut”
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ”But why?” they asked, as they moved off. ”because,” he said ”I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
“I'm sure wherever my dad is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead. Just very condescending.” Jack Whitehall, at the Royal Variety Performance 2010